“Surge → Crash” cycle in Trauma Bonds
The “Surge → Crash” Cycle in Trauma Bonds
A trauma bond is not held together by love — it’s maintained by a nervous system trapped in a loop of threat and relief. When the abusive partner alternates between cruelty and affection, the survivor’s brain goes through a biochemical roller coaster that mimics addiction patterns.
1. The Surge Phase — The “High”
This phase appears when the abuser suddenly becomes kind, apologetic, affectionate, or attentive after a period of harm. The nervous system interprets this shift as relief from danger, and several powerful chemicals kick in:
Dopamine:
The sudden reward after a period of fear creates a sharp dopamine spike. This intermittent reinforcement is the same mechanism responsible for gambling and substance addictions. The brain remembers the relief as a “hit” and starts chasing it.Oxytocin:
During moments of closeness or reconciliation, oxytocin strengthens emotional attachment and increases trust — even when trust is undeserved. This is why survivors often feel connected to the very person who is hurting them.Endogenous Opioids:
These natural painkillers help soothe emotional and physical distress. When the abuser briefly becomes gentle, these opioids amplify the sense of calm and safety, making the moment feel intensely meaningful.
Emotional signature of the Surge: relief, bonding, “maybe things will be okay now,” a temporary sense of safety.
2. The Crash Phase — The “Withdrawal”
Once the abuser switches back to criticism, coldness, blame, or violence, the nervous system is jolted into distress again:
Cortisol & Adrenaline:
These stress hormones shoot up, activating fear, hypervigilance, and a survival-oriented state.Dopamine Drop:
The sudden removal of warmth creates a dopamine deficit.
This feels like emotional withdrawal: emptiness, craving, restlessness, and a sense of “I can’t live without them”.Cognitive Dissonance:
The mind tries to reconcile two incompatible realities — the loving version and the abusive version. To reduce the discomfort, survivors often minimize the harm or cling to the “good moments.”
Emotional signature of the Crash: anxiety, sadness, emptiness, confusion, craving for the next surge.
The Full Cycle at a Glance
| Phase | Dominant Neurochemicals | Internal Experience |
|---|---|---|
| Surge | Dopamine, Oxytocin, Endogenous Opioids | Relief, euphoria, bonding |
| Crisis | Cortisol, Adrenaline | Fear, tension, hypervigilance |
| Crash | Dopamine withdrawal | Depression, numbness, craving |
Why It Feels Like Addiction
This cycle conditions the nervous system to associate relief with love, and danger with longing.
Because the rewards are unpredictable, the brain becomes even more attached — a classic addiction pattern. Leaving the relationship often triggers real withdrawal symptoms, similar to quitting a substance.
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