This Is Why Some People Cannot Help Being Sad And Miserable : If You Had Controlling Parents

How someone is raised decides a lot about their personality and worldview. The nature and nurture someone receives during their growing years determine the type of personality and coping skills they acquire.

Sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly, deliberately or non-deliberately, children raised in highly adverse and abusive conditions can become individuals who may never be able to achieve a normal, happy life. Being miserable and sad may become their only option. Children raised by parents who themselves grew up in dysfunctional families or adverse living conditions—like war camps, brothels, war zones, slavery, domestic abuse, extreme poverty, or with parents who have mental illness or abuse drugs—cannot learn healthy family dynamics and parenting skills. As a result, when they become parents, they cannot provide a safe and nurturing atmosphere for their own children, perpetuating a legacy of dysfunction from generation to generation if left unchecked.

Adults who were raised in adverse conditions often become very controlling as parents because they fear that everything needs to be in control for everyone's best interest. Since they are unaware of healthy life patterns, they practice unhealthy controlling methods in raising children and in their intimate relationships.

Children raised by such parents cannot help but feel sad and miserable unless they work very hard to repair the damage done to them by their toxic parents. This blog discusses facts based on scientific research by professionals in the field of psychology.

Here are the seven parenting styles, according to Dr. Dan Neuharth in his bestselling book If You Had Controlling Parents, that can damage children beyond repair:

Abusive Parents

According to psychologists, these types of parents have extreme anger issues. They not only physically and emotionally abuse their children but also hold them responsible for it. They feel entitled to abuse their kids, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it.

This type of parental behavior results in trust issues, vulnerability to abuse, hypervigilance, depression, and drug abuse in adulthood.

Readers are advised not to confuse abuse with discipline. All parents need to be strict and assertive at times for the safety, security, and well-being of the child. This difference can be understood only with a clear conscience and honest mind.

Parents with Childlike Behavior

As the terminology suggests, this type of behavior is shown by parents who are literally incapable of parenting. They engage in reverse-parenting, i.e., they expect care from their kids. People of this nature often end up marrying abusive partners, resulting in the worst parenting scenario. Such parents induce unnecessary guilt in their children for their own benefit.

This type of parenting creates adults who become doormats to others because they have difficulty expressing anger and resentment. Such children can never feel carefree.

This behavior should not be confused with rare incidents where any parent might teach their child to feel sorry for genuine wrongdoings, like breaking the law or hurting someone. This also doesn’t include situations where parents genuinely need help from their kids due to medical or financial situations. The key is honesty and truthfulness in the relationship.

Parents Who Smother or Overbearingly Scrutinize

In this case, parents often take "love and care" to a suffocating and dangerous level. They don’t treat their kids as individuals but as extensions of themselves, trying to control their lives by overly scrutinizing every move. They discourage their children from developing their individuality.

This type of parenting diminishes the adult child's sense of boundaries, causing issues in other relationships. It also leads to high dependency, poor body image, and low confidence.

The key point is that we have to train our kids to fly with their own wings rather than carrying them on our backs and flying for them. They may fly less perfectly than we expect, but it’s better than not flying at all. Every individual has their own journey and the right to live it.

Parents Who Love Conditionally

Some parents manipulate love. They cannot love their children consistently. Kids are so hungry for parental love that they can be controlled by having it withdrawn and given based on the situation. These parents don’t love their children for who they are but for what they do. They use emotions to fulfill their agenda, preventing their kids from connecting emotionally with them.

Adult children of such parents are depressed, doubtful, have low confidence, are withdrawn, and feel unloved.

As a mother, even I sometimes feel that I unconsciously love my kids more when they achieve something. This is wrong. Love should be consistent, irrespective of the situation. If you feel the same way, help is available in the form of books. Discipline should not be mixed with the expression of love. Kids thrive on parental love, and there are numerous ways to get your child to do something. Withholding love might get your way temporarily but will have lasting negative effects on your bond with them and their thought process. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are, irrespective of their achievements. This should be taught at a very young age.

Parents with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

NPD means Narcissistic Personality Disorder.. Parents who suffer from NPD or similar personality disorders are emotionally immature and insensitive to their children’s feelings but expect complete loyalty and obedience from others. They see life as a war and feel a deep need to win it at the cost of others' happiness, safety, and peace, even if the other person is their own child. They are extremely jealous of others, including their own kids, and believe others feel the same about them. They have a distorted sense of reality.

Children raised by such parents have poor self-image, struggle to take emotional care of themselves, and feel used even in adulthood. They find it difficult to understand the concept of "love."

Chaotic Parents

These parents are highly unpredictable, causing chaos in their children’s lives. They want their kids to strictly abide by family rules but frequently change the rules without warning. Not only do rules change, but their thinking and reasoning also shift based on their selfish requirements. When asked for justification, they give bizarre reasons. Families with such parents have unclear rules and inconsistent limits. There can be chaos at any moment, and issues never settle—blame is simply shifted to others.

For example, a father destroys his son’s toys while mishandling them and shifts blame, inducing guilt by scolding the child for not keeping the toy in the proper place. The next day, he, out of his regular behavior of carelessly handling his belongings, finds one of them damaged and again scolds his son, accusing him of the act without confirming. Here you see that the rules change based on the father’s convenience, and the child receives mixed messages and unclear rules.

This type of behavior creates adult children who view life as an emotional roller coaster, full of confusion, guilt, hypervigilance, and trust issues. This type of parenting legacy continues if not addressed in time.

Perfectionist Parents

These parents put immense pressure on their children to be perfect and excel in everything they do. They compel their kids to keep themselves and their surroundings clean, organized, and flawless. They won’t hesitate to compromise their children’s basic human needs to impress society. Material possessions, academic achievement, social status, and appearances are given more importance than love, peace, physical and emotional health, relationships, and morals.

This damaging parenting style is also influenced by culture. For example, in my own country, it is part of the culture and its influence can be seen even in the wisest parents’ thought processes. In my language, there is a saying, “Log kya kahenge?” which means, "What will people say?" This mindset is deeply ingrained in the society I was raised in.

Desiring your child to be at the top of the world is normal for every parent, but putting pressure on them to achieve it at any cost is unhealthy and dangerous for their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. Every child is unique and special. We should love and respect our kids for their abilities and encourage them to do "their best," not "the best," in whatever they do. We must accept them as a package of both qualities and shortcomings.

A parent exhibiting one or more of these traits is considered a toxic parent in psychological terms. If someone identifies with these traits, it's high time to seek professional help along with support from good self-help books.

There is no hard and fast rule for parenting if you are an honest, responsible, and compassionate parent. Conversely, if someone lacks love, care, or a true conscience, any amount of suggestions or tips won’t help much.

The last recourse is praying to God for the purification of such parents' consciousness and helping them become spiritual. Research suggests that when psychology can no longer help, spirituality becomes the last hope.

God bless you!

Have a wonderful day!

The terminologies of these seven types is suggested by Dr. Dan Neuharth in his bestselling book “If you had controlling parents”.

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